My life for the past year and almost 3 months, who's counting anyway, has been a whirl wind of craziness. I went from not even knowing how I arrived at work everyday, to a raging- if I just stay drunk nothing can make me sad, to the over the top exerciser- 2 triathlons, 3 half marathons, 1 full marathon, a 150 mile bike tour in two days, 6 10k, 10 5k (one of which I even placed 2nd). Then on December 15, 2008 I had IVF done and on the day after Christmas I found out I was pregnant and my life changed. I am absolutely elated. There is nothing I have wanted more in my life than kids and I am going to have them by myself.
I wish I could thank my ex girlfriend for allowing me into her life otherwise I would have never know I was capable of having a kid in my life. Letting me believe for so long that she and Maia, her daughter would always be in my life, they aren’t. I realized that with out her/us I would never be where I am today, right now – happy just being me, with my decisions and my choices. I would still be worried about what she wanted and how I could accommodate that, if I was going to have to walk on egg shells for a week because of something I said or did wrong. I don’t have to worry about that any more I am very safe and secure in my life. I have found a happy medium. I know how I get to work, most days! I am going to start a family, of my own. I still run and exercise, not as an escape from reality but because I truly love it. I have found and formed some very dear and I am sure lasting friendships. There are days that I miss her. She made me happy and I love her and Maia. It is now just a grateful love, she gave me the courage to become myself by letting me go. I believe she knew something that I didn’t if I stayed I would have become a shell of who I really am, what I really represent. Thank you for letting me love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go. You will always have a special place just not the one I ever imagined. As Garth Brooks says, “thank god for un-answered prayers”…
I wish I could thank my ex girlfriend for allowing me into her life otherwise I would have never know I was capable of having a kid in my life. Letting me believe for so long that she and Maia, her daughter would always be in my life, they aren’t. I realized that with out her/us I would never be where I am today, right now – happy just being me, with my decisions and my choices. I would still be worried about what she wanted and how I could accommodate that, if I was going to have to walk on egg shells for a week because of something I said or did wrong. I don’t have to worry about that any more I am very safe and secure in my life. I have found a happy medium. I know how I get to work, most days! I am going to start a family, of my own. I still run and exercise, not as an escape from reality but because I truly love it. I have found and formed some very dear and I am sure lasting friendships. There are days that I miss her. She made me happy and I love her and Maia. It is now just a grateful love, she gave me the courage to become myself by letting me go. I believe she knew something that I didn’t if I stayed I would have become a shell of who I really am, what I really represent. Thank you for letting me love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go. You will always have a special place just not the one I ever imagined. As Garth Brooks says, “thank god for un-answered prayers”…
1 comment:
It was nice to read this; you are so obviously in a different place now, and that is great to see. I think I am more bitter about your break up than you are now. LOL
You will be a great mom. No, an AWESOME mom. And you have more energy than anyone I know. You'll be just fine, and after reading this post, I see that means both physically AND emotionally. :)
You're a rock star. And you know we're always here for you.
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