Un answered prayers...

My life for the past year and almost 3 months, who's counting anyway, has been a whirl wind of craziness. I went from not even knowing how I arrived at work everyday, to a raging- if I just stay drunk nothing can make me sad, to the over the top exerciser- 2 triathlons, 3 half marathons, 1 full marathon, a 150 mile bike tour in two days, 6 10k, 10 5k (one of which I even placed 2nd). Then on December 15, 2008 I had IVF done and on the day after Christmas I found out I was pregnant and my life changed. I am absolutely elated. There is nothing I have wanted more in my life than kids and I am going to have them by myself.
I wish I could thank my ex girlfriend for allowing me into her life otherwise I would have never know I was capable of having a kid in my life. Letting me believe for so long that she and Maia, her daughter would always be in my life, they aren’t. I realized that with out her/us I would never be where I am today, right now – happy just being me, with my decisions and my choices. I would still be worried about what she wanted and how I could accommodate that, if I was going to have to walk on egg shells for a week because of something I said or did wrong. I don’t have to worry about that any more I am very safe and secure in my life. I have found a happy medium. I know how I get to work, most days! I am going to start a family, of my own. I still run and exercise, not as an escape from reality but because I truly love it. I have found and formed some very dear and I am sure lasting friendships. There are days that I miss her. She made me happy and I love her and Maia. It is now just a grateful love, she gave me the courage to become myself by letting me go. I believe she knew something that I didn’t if I stayed I would have become a shell of who I really am, what I really represent. Thank you for letting me love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go. You will always have a special place just not the one I ever imagined. As Garth Brooks says, “thank god for un-answered prayers”…

Change is in the Air

Tomorrow starts the firstday of the rest of my life- changing. How scared I should be, I am not. It will be me and no one else at the end of the day. Will I be able to provide the best for someone else, I mean, can I really? My head whirls with thoughts of today, yesterday, tomorrow. Is it possibly that what I was told is true that I am not good enough to be a parent. I toss that to the wind and say YES, I am sure. Am I doing the right thing? Is there ever a perfect time and place for anything. Life is so short speeding out of control most of the time. The plans in my head do I buy into them or should I just not even think about it and do what I always do just go for it, embrace it, love it, relish in it. I did it before what am I so afraid of, myself, the unknown, being alone, who knows. I can do this I will be great just as I was before... ok maybe the thoughts in my head will quit whirling around at some point. I must step out of my head for at least a day, I may drive myself crazy...

Follicles

14mm- pray for 18mm

Bucket List

So it seems as if everyone is a little concerned with my lack of having a partner. I have two bets concerning my hooking up with someone by the end of 2008 and in the same week the same two people expressed great concerned about the fact that I am alone still. I say ha! I may appear alone but truly I am not lonely. I mean come one about every four months some how I find myself in a strange bathroom, kissing a complete stranger of whom I have no idea what their names may have been but I can always remember the car they drive or where they work and if they smoked or not YUCK! hmmm.. maybe I should pay more attention to the details of what they happened to look like or whether I could even hold a conversation with them when my lips are unoccupied. Now that I have convinced myself and everyone else of that fact I am fine all by myself, yeah right. I am going to share a bucket list that Sally so kindly put together for me... imagine me a confident gay female needing my favorite cousin's wife writing me a "Bucket List" but I have to say maybe she is on to something because she is dead spot on with some of the stuff and for the reading pleasure of all the "FP Bucket List" (oh and the email, everyone needs a little 411 on the situation) ...

Sorry it's late just need to think of some things. Here is your "Future Partner Bucket List". You can not stray from these requirements for your next partner no matter how long her inseam is and how firm her ass is. Promise before continue reading.

For the sexy tall blonde that took advantage of poor lil' CJ in the bathroom at the Silver Legacy a few week/months back. Not that CJ was obviously unwilling as the 2 sucked face doing the tonsil tango then blonde left without leaving a number. We hope you were not misleading as CJ is still fragle (fragile). Hence the note pad TBA later and the list of requirements below. Money is involved if CJ can get blonde to commit to a New Year's Eve date to start CJ's New Year off on the right foot. Pictures must be taken and a phone call to Sally must be made by blonde to let us know that it was not a "Money For Hire " date and that all involved had a wonderful time - if they can remember. But first CJ must call Dave the friend and get info on blonde before the note pad "hi" is sent via email. The note pad is from the movie "Mr. Magoriums Magnificent Emporium". The little boy in the movie had to make one friend per his moms request to stay working at the store so he did with a note pad and the first word was "Hi" a must see movie. Since CJ is dating shy and still fragle this is what she as to do - hence the note pad. Call Dave this week and inform Sally what the results were. NO CHEATING!!!Requirements for all Future Partners (FP)

1) All "Future Partners" must be 5'8 or taller with an inseam of a minimum 35" with an ass that is squeezable and looks damn fine on the back of CJ's motorcycle. With inseam and ass other parts not too important.

2) Any "FP" will accept Cj's family and all her toys willingly and enjoy them with CJ with no questions asked. Medication will be provided if necessary :)

3) There will be no storing of any toys in a storage unit unless on CJ"s or family property due to lack of space at CJ's house. Must tolerate Cinch the dog, Gabby the F'ed Up goat and the horse that can't be rode with a bridle. Names of animals could be mixed up due to yelling at the goat and dog to get them to stop doing what they are doing. Medication will be provided if necessary :)

4) Toys and activities will include - hunting, with hunting comes shooting a gun AND not at family/friends, Rock crawling on foot and in a jeep, animals of all kinds, family/friend functions, quad riding, horse back riding, any and all outdoor activities that CJ enjoys with family and friends - medication will be provided if necessary :)

5) there will be no date circle sharing. If things do not work out in the beginnig there will be no dating a person in CJ's circle - move on and out.

6) CJ will accept all of the FP's baggage, family, friends, likes and dislikes just as FP must do of CJ. If there is any doubt early on RUN!!!!

7) No one can make any attempts to "CHANGE" that person into what you want - if that is needed - RUN!!!!

8) If a family member or friend has doubts about FP there must be a discussion on why calmly and rationally.

9) No FP will make FP disown a family member or friend because they do not like that person. - Accept Everyone.

I think this is all for now. Adjustments can be made to this "FP Bucket List" at any time to ensure the safe keeping of CJ fragle heart. So that past "Hard Lessons Learned" will not happen in the amazing future that is ahead.

Susanne's Questions

I really wanted to answer the questions that Susanne sent me, I am sure months ago but none the less I have lost them. So this would be the answer to her question. If you read this can your resend the questions so that maybe I can start blogging my life away :-)


The answer to the questions...

Where is your cell phone? desk
Where is your significant other? none
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? amazing
Your father? gentle
Your favorite thing? life
Your dream last night? sad
Your dream/goal? content
The room you’re in? cave
Your hobby? outdoors
Your fear? myself
Where were you last night? dinner
What you’re not? mean
One of your wish-list items? kids
Where you grew up? Nevada
The last thing you did? type
What are you wearing? socks
Your TV? free
Your pet? Cinch
Your computer? pink
Your mood? excited
Missing someone? Maia
Your car? Flora
Something you’re not wearing? shoes
Favorite store? SteepandCheap
Your summer? surreal
Love someone? many
Your favorite color? green
When is the last time you laughed? afternoon
Last time you cried? morning